Don't you send me to vm
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
