1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
