If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
