My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
