I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
