The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
