i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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