: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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