how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
