I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
