you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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