If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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