The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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