6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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