We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
