the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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