sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
