I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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