from now on my penis is your penis
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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