If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
