Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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