be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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