Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
