who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
honey bunches of taint.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
