highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
