Can Purell be used as lube?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
