there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
