Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
