I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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