Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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