the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sorry my hands just texted you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
