I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
