Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
