i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
