My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm like, not good at living.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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