i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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