Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
