So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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