If i come over, it means nothing
I think I won the penis lottery.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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