Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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