Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
