I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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