Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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