Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
