the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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