She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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