I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
