WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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