Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
