still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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