I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
